Eleven:Eleven

Looking back from my earliest memories until the age of 9, I have some great memories as well as some really tragic ones. Id like to think the life my Father lived and its effects it had on our lives didn’t/doesn’t bother me. However, Id be lying if I said I did not hold any resentment towards him, to this very day even.

Regardless, I was able to come across probably the last clear headed/sober thing he ever wrote:

“My story starts on January 20th, 1961. The same day JFK was inaugurated as President of the USA. Everyone at the hospital wanted my mother to name me Kennedy, however she named me Victor Casillas. I was the youngest of 10 children and for the most part I grew up in a loving family with a great childhood. My parents were very traditional and religious but like all families we had our problems. My father was a farm worker and my mother was a housewife having 10 kids. My father was a heavy drinker but I was told I never saw it due to the fact he had quit before I was old enough to remember. I was a straight A student, as were most my siblings so school was never an issue for me. I guess my problems began when I was 12 and I came home from school to learn my Mom had had a stroke, was very sick and probably wouldn’t make it. That’s when everything change, by this time there was only me, my 15 year old brother and 17 year old sister at home. But it still seemed like there was no one there. My dad worked, came home and then went to the hospital to care for my mother. So me and my brother were home a lone a lot. My mother was in the hospital for 8 months recovering from brain surgery. Even though I was not completely alone I still felt alone. I was left to virtually make my own choices and I really tried to always make the right decisions.  Everything was okay for a few years until I turned 14. I started to get into teen things hanging out with friends which mainly really just included smoking pot and drinking. I made it through high school and started college, by this time my mother had gotten better but was still never the same at all. I attended college during the day and worked at night so I started using cocaine at age 18. I worked for Montgomery Wards Auto Center and by the age of 21 I was a full time  mechanic there. That is where I would meet the person that would next change my life forever, Jerry Cinco. I was 24 when I gave Jerry a ride home and it seemed like all hell broke loose. I prefer not to talk about the incident but this is how I met my future wife Gina Hensel. At this point in my life I felt I wanted to settle down so I did. I was married for 3 years and had my son Anthony Casillas about a year and half into the marriage. I decided with help from my new employer Goodyear Rubber & Tire Co. to enter drug rehab program and was sober for 1 year. But since my marriage was falling apart I used again and 6 months later for many reasons including drugs, I divorced. Since then I had used meth on a regular basis starting at 27. When I was using I never neglected my responsibilities. I always paid my bills and even got full custody of my son. Everything was going good I had thought. I had a nice home, 2 cars, a boat and went on regular vacations. However all good things must come to an end. At about 34 I lost my job not directly due to drugs but I was constantly late and not showing up so I was fired. During my year off my older sister requested I leave my Son with her until I got my life together. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do especially since my dad had passed away 2 years after my sons birth and made me promise on his death bed that whatever happened to always take care of my son. I agreed to let my sister take my son because I realized it was the best thing for him and I. This is something I don’t regret to this day. I started to work and put my life back together however after 4 different jobs and 3 bad relationships over a decade, I guess I had hit rock bottom these last 3 years. I have been in and out of jail, failed PC1000 and got dropped from prop 36. I haven’t worked in over a year, running the streets using drugs and living day to day. April 14, 2005 was a reality check. I was arrested with 2 warrants and spent 25 days in jail. I have since been 48 days clean and I thank God I’m in drug court doing what I have to do to stay clean. I feel good and realize this is what I want, to renew my relationship….”

Unfortunately I cannot find the other page to this so its incomplete. He would graduate from drug court later that year but would relapse not long after and started using regularly again until his death in November 2010 at the age of 49.

My breathing is normal, my eyes are open, nothing’s in front me.